Thursday, October 22, 2009
Exhaustion . . .
You ever just feel tired? Not like "Eh, I could go for a nap." or "Eh, I shouldn't have stayed up to watch Leno last night" (point of fact there is NO reason to EVER watch Leno - on at an earlier time or not) or "Eh, I won't need to count too many sleep tonight." but that eyes-drooping, slow-speaking, it-is-so-damned-far-to-my-closet-I'm-going-to-sleep-in-my-sports-coat-and-tie-tonight tired? Yeah? You know that feeling.
I was reminded earlier this morning (when Ava came to bed with us at 4:55 AM (five minutes before my alarm was set to go off, for the record)) of how tired I used to be ALL THE TIME. Not just before I got diagnosed with sleep apnea. How GREAT, by the way, is that first morning when you woke up after sleeping with your C-PAP and you wanted to paint the house, mow the lawn, solve the mysteries of life and negotiate world peace?! No - I'm talking more AFTER my C-PAP. After the 400 pound mark. Near and after the 500 pound mark. Certainly at and around the 530 pounds mark.
I was thinking about it this morning as Joy, Ava, Lily and I all snuggled up in the 40-degrees-outside-and-the-heater-was-turned-off-so-thank-goodness-for-our-down-comforter-and-family-bed hours before dawn.
I haven't been truly tired in a long time. Run down, sure. Dragging a little, sorta' often. Ready for bed, most evenings. But not EXHAUSTED. I prayed that I never again know what it is like to be too tired to lift my own body, to get winded getting out of bed (yes - that was once part of my reality) or to feel the strain of being so tired I couldn't really put together an influential thought (much less argument). You make stupid decisions when you are that tired (like not exercising or eating more crap loaded with sugar or drinking more soda or turning to crack cocaine, etc.).
I thought about it and then I curled in to Ava (she mandates classic "spoons" most of the time) and closed my eyes. Then my alarm went off. I was going to hit snooze and take seven more minutes with all three of my girls but - thankfully - I wasn't all that tired!