Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Good Luck, Daniel . . .

So - my worst case scenario (in terms of reality TV) was realized last night. Daniel got sent home on the Biggest Loser. Ugh. I blame his "friend" David for showing up with his chicken wings, cigarettes and confessions that he's never even been in the produce section of the grocery store before (really? REALLY? Never?) and then not keeping his mouth shut and for not realizing he even had a problem to begin with (long story) but it doesn't matter.

Daniel went home. Sadness. but the most important part of the episode, and the part where I lost my ever-more-fragiling mind happened in the gym days before the weigh in and before the elimination.

I'm trying to find the video to link to here (the full episode is not on the NBC site yet) but Daniel is in the gym and Jillian is all-up-in-his-grill about how maybe he's given up and why his head is not in the game and why he's not pushing himself.

He looks at her . . . stutters . . . and then deadpans - to my breaking heart and "I've been there and felt that way" sadness - “I never thought it would be possible to not be fat.”

Joy and I had that exact conversation once. We cried almost as hard that night as we did last night. It is a hard thing to look at yourself and to realize that you are NOT the person you want to be and that you don't think you can be that person.

It could be weight. It could be hair color. It could be career. It could be family. It could be choice of outfit on a given morning. It is just frustrating and sad and miserable to feel like there is "nothing" you can do to get up over the hump of what is holding you back (you - nine times out of ten) and to get started and to get to your goals.

I felt that way every single time I ever thought about my weight before meeting Joy (and several times after) and even in the months leading up to my gastric bypass surgery (and a few panicky moments after) I was still not entirely convinced that I would ever be thin. Hell - 22 months later - I'm still not "skinny" in the classic sense of the word and I don't always believe as much as I should that I'll ever get there.

But at 400+ pounds (or whatever Daniel weighed at the time) I totally know how overwhelming it can be to think of myself as "thin" or potentially "thin". Like in my own situation though - Daniel has seen the light. He's shed over 100 pounds and he promises to shock everyone at the finale.

Daniel - you've reminded me of my former desperation and former self for the last time. Next time I see you - I hope you are as thin as can be and you see yourself as even thinner. THANK YOU for reminding me of who I once was and for doing so with such courage on national television.

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