Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Little Bit Awkward . . .

I rolled in to St. Anthony's this morning without thinking much of the fact that I'm only "half the man" (sha-dump-dump!) I was the last time people in this town really saw me.

I was, admittedly, a little excited about coming "home" a week or so ago. I thought it would be really exciting and wonderful and gleeful to bump in to people and to be seen and to maybe even have people pay me a compliment or two.

Eh. Not so much. Now - don't get me wrong - I like compliments and no one said or did anything wrong (so if any of you fine Grotonians who were kind to me yesterday are reading this do NOT take what I'm about to say at all personally) but it made me super uncomfortable to have people do literal double takes when they saw me. It made me very sweaty to sit in my parent's church and wonder how many people were looking at me (my ego is that out of control that I assumed all eyes were on me). It made me genuinely uneasy to actually talk to people about my surgery and my weight and so on (I kept deflecting the attention to Ava - thank GOD she is the cutest child in the history of the world (see my ego disclaimer above)).

I don't think it is that I mind people looking at me. I know it is not that I mind people saying things about me that are positive. I am all but positive that they have wonderful hearts and spirits to go out of their way to be kind to me.

The "trouble" comes when I think that this is a lot of pressure. I know have to stay at this weight (or lower) for the rest of my life. Or I'll disappoint people. Or they will at least, when they see me again years and years from now, will go "tsk, tsk, he couldn't do it" in their heads and hearts. But no one will come up to me and say "Sean, you look TERRIBLE this morning. What happened to you?"

Does any of the above make any sense? Nope. It is the ramblings of a person who's always had low self esteem trying to justify the pressures he puts on himself by making it about other people and their expectations BUT it is what I felt yesterday morning and what I might likely feel when and if I venture out of my parent's house for the rest of our trip and maybe bump in to other people while I'm here (I grew up in small town America, it is not that out of whack to assume I might see people).

I need to get more comfortable in my new skin. Bottom line. Put that on the ol' 2009 Goals List!

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