Monday, October 6, 2008

A Fear of Loss . . .

Here is the hardest part about being in Wichita, Kansas when my family is so far away . . . a fear of loss.

I used to live :45 minutes from each of my brothers. I would maybe see them once a week or so . . . and that is probably stretching it. I'll take the heat for it. I was very depressed and very angry about stuff and was not much fun to be around and, well, my brothers aren't exactly touchy-feely "let's talk about our feelings" sorts of people. And I love them and admire them (some days) for that.

I think the first time I realized the urgency, frankly, was when we were headed west to wait for Ava to be born. I had a terrible realization the week before we left that life was very, very different than it ever was before and, frankly, it was about to get more different.

The first time I wanted to figure it all out was when I was laying in my hosptial bed after surgery. That was, in my embarassment, a full nine months later and years and years after I realized what the problem was (me not knowing how to love and ask to be loved by my brothers, namely).

Now we're here. Ava can tell you who Barack Obama is when she sees him on television but she can't always pick Uncle Pah-tick out of a picture. She knows that Elmo and Abby Cadabby live on Sesame Street but she doesn't know where her Uncle Ryan lives.

This concern of mine and, again, I understand that living here in Kansas was our decision - not my brothers (before I get an angry note from my parents or another protector of the peace), is compounded by the fact that my parents live in relatively poor health.

I'm concerned about them. I worry about how much us being closer, with their only grandchild, could do to motivate them to take better care of themselves and to live healthier and with greater self-loving purpose. I hate that I might get a phone call someday, like the one I got seven years ago from Mr. LaFrance when my father had his stroke, and I won't be able to bum a ride home to be there by sundown. I worry that the call will come too late.

I worry, every day, about how my family and friends and loved ones feel about me being so far away and I just try to reassure myself that, in my heart, we're all together and we're all going to live forever in peace and harmony!

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