Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Random Photos . . .

"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you that I almost belive that they're real.
I've been living so long with my pictures of you that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel."
- The Cure

I've been collecting old photos of myself (thank you to several of you (Joyell, Kim, Delenick, Vinu, etc.)) to use for a project I am working on that SHOULD be ready for sharing in the next month or so.

Here's what I find interesting about them . . . I didn't look sad or unhappy or self-loathing or otherwise miserable in a single picture (okay, I DID look that way in some of ones that were taken after a night/day/weekend/month of drinking but drunk and sad look a LOT alike in hind-sight).

This realization has me thinking about something I've been struggling with as I try to really make a go at this whole "brand new me" thing I'm doing . . . was I ever really THAT unhappy in the first place? Was it something that anyone but me really ever knew about? Was it really as all consuming and destructive as I have thought it was now that I'm on the other side of it?

Here's the bottom line . . . I don't think it was. I really don't. Save for my roommates who dealt with me day after day after day (and God love you for it - Bruce, Delenick, TJK, Michael, Bob and Ben) and my beloved wife . . . I can't think of too many times when people straight up cornered me on my misery (avoided me for it - SURE). I remember Carrie once telling me she didn't want to hang out because I wasn't being "fun" and I remember awkward moments in here and there with folks but that is the up and down of day to day life anyway right? RIGHT!
So here is the new credo (that is technically millions of years old but it is news to me) . . . Happiness is relative. I was actually happy at 530 pounds. I was happy at 500. I was very happy at 480. I enjoyed life at 450. Nothing really worried me at 425. I could have smiled on at 400. There was not a pound in the 300s that made me not want to wake up in the morning. The upper, mid-upper and mid 200s treated me well and now, as I sit on the cusp of the lower-third of the 200s . . . I'm not unhappy either.
I have friends and family that love me now as they loved me then and my life is full of challenges and rewards. I'm happy now . . . and I was happy then. I am just MORE happy now and I'm not hiding the part of me that is unhappy like I used to.

What is the difference between me today and me then? A few hundred pounds and my percentage of happiness. Nothing more - nothing less.

1 comment:

nytova said...

Oh no did I really say that to you? What a brat I was! Anyway, I am just catching up on your blog after a month or so of being "out of it" and I will email you soon, friend. Sorry I have been out of touch. But I wasn't being any "fun" myself these days. ;-)