Monday, June 16, 2008

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades . . .

They (the "Royal") always say that almost only counts in horsehoes and hand grenades. You hear the one-liner applied to many things in life . . . being on time, being faithful to spouse and even, in rare cases, a lunar landing or two. The phrase is hardly ever used, in my limited exposure to the English language or the charming people that use it, in a context that actually makes much sense to me.

With that in mind - I wanted to declare that, as I see 15-months since my surgery looming on the calendar for later this week, that I am ALMOST the person I want to be and I am ALMOST ready to declare a victory in my battle against my weight and my demons. Of course almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Here's the reality . . . I'm making great strides and I'm working on it. I've lost almost 50% of my body weight in the last 15-months. At this point though, my "journey" doesn't really seem to be about food or calories or pounds or pounds lost any more - hasn't in a while, truth be told. I'll get to my goal weight but what good is meeting that goal if I lose sight of the PROCESS that should get me to my goals to begin with. A 200 pound man with all the issues of a 530 pound man is really just someone who's wearing smaller pants . . . it is not a different man.

I've come to peace (either in my head or through direct communication/action) with some of the mistakes that I've made and the terrible things I have done and the error in judgement that plagued me for so much of my life. I've had some tough moments and I've had situtations that I HOPED would bring peace that just opened old wounds (I am sorry, Jess, if you still read this blog - for all of it - and if you believe nothing else I say, believe that I want you and your family to be healthy and happy).

I've said "hello" again to old friends and I'm working on just sending an e-mail or two a week to people I have lost touch with and picking up the phone every now and again to just call people up. I got hit on the other day. In JC Penney. The woman was figuratively and literally CHECKING ME OUT. I haven't been hit on or flirted with since I was in diapers and my parents would baby-talk to me and whisper sweet nothings to me when I refused to go to sleep. Clearly something is changing. Clearly I am different. I did, for the record, make a point of showing off my wedding ring and changing the subject with the woman.

I've said good bye to most of the foods I had leaned on for so long and I've come up with new coping mechanisms (like crochet and crack cocaine -- but that's another post for another day) and I've started to understand that my body is actual useful in ways beyond sitting at a computer for 10 or 12 hours a day or for sitting on the couch or laying on a bed for the remaining 12 to 14 hours in the day. That being said - I still watch a LOT of television (any one but me suddenly OBSESSED with the Next Food Network Star on the Food Network? No? Really? NO ONE?) and I like to toot my horn about a walk-a-thon on a Saturday morning but I don't go to the gym or just walk nearly often enough for a man trying to change his life - for the rest of his life.

The biggest problem I still wrestle with is who did shoot Christopher Wallace. Oh, wait, wrong forum for that conversation. The BIGGEST thing I struggle with is that I still am "me" with allllll of the pitfalls of being me.

I'm going to tell you though . . . I'm still a moody bastard. I'm still way too insecure to just go to work in the morning and come home in the evening without some drama on one or both sides of that process. I'm still not sure if any one actually likes me. I still see myself, swear to God, as a 500+ pound man that people take a first glance at and decide that I'm too stupid, lazy and food dependent to offer them or the situation anything. Of course the large chip that still sometimes sits on my shrunken shoulder then makes me act out in ways that might just prove them right (if they were even thinking that to begin with). I still think I'm depressed half the time. I still think that I'm just trying to climb out from under or running from the falling thumb of depression the rest of the time. I still don't give my ALL to Joy and to Ava every single day. I still don't give them what they deserve and I still don't give Joy the ONLY thing she has ever asked me to give her (kindness) 100% of the time.

I occassionally read the e-mails people - STRANGERS - send me telling me that I've inspired them or that I've helped them. I read the comments my friends and family leave on the blog (I love you This Show, TJK, NYtoVA and Dad (who is father to Clara, not me, by the way)). I get word through my parents, friends and family of people who knew me "when" and who comment on how different I am and I think - man - these people would be so much less than inpressed with me if they talked to me at this particular moment in time. They would be dissapointed to know that the changes in me are, on some days, just skin deep.

Enough of my blathering (why DO I just share my random, random thoughts with the entire world, I wonder to myself on days like today). I guess the point is this . . . don't be too fooled by my cheery posts and everything is WONDERFUL blog posts in the last ten months. I am not hiding any deep, dark secerts. I am not miserable. I don't regret surgery or any of the moments I have had since surgery (quite the opposite - before my surgery I would have argued with any one who suggested I had any problems in my life, much less been so honest and proactive about acknowledging them) and I don't mean to pretend that you can't competely change who you are through surgery.

Just know that I'm not there yet. I'm still working on it. I'm still trying to figure out those last puzzle pieces and trying to cram them in to this 1,000 piece jigsaw rendering of three kittens playing in a basket of bright, cheery yarn. I'm gonna' get there and when I do - then I'll really have something to talk about.

I'm almost who I want to be. But almost only counts in horsehoes and hand grenades!

3 comments:

TJK said...

Process is the key word. I don't think you get to declare a total victory of the war . . . but you've won so many battles and will continue to win them all. I'm enjoying reading about them. It's helping me with my own battles.

I don't know if you've grown up . . . or you've just started to acknowledge the great person many of us have seen for years.

It's funny to see you confess your insecurities because I've always wanted your strength and confidence. I've always been jealous of your ability to walk into a room and "own it" ala the Cohn rehearsal and so many other countless situations.

I have a joke now when people at work say "awww" when I joke about my dating life, back hair or pot belly. I say "don't feel too bad folks, I've turned hating myself into a nice little career."

Mike Meyers is on "The View" this week. They prerecorded. TiVo it. He gets very deep. He talks a lot about "enlightening." To be enlightened you have to lighten your load. It's interesting to hear such deep stuff from a comic.

While I'm proud of your weight loss and it's important you take care of it. Remember your heavier years gave you gifts like your charm.

That charm with your newfound good looks . . . well I hope you put your new powers to use for good and not evil.

Don't hate who you were. I love that man for all of his weight imperfections. You were loveable then. You're just sexier and healthier now. Just keep growing by shrinking and then staying healthy.

And when you've finally achieved all of your goals and dreams . . . call me. I got a list of other things for you to work on too.

(Kidding. mostly.)

Love you and am proud of you.

Tom

PS. Ok that turned into a long ramble.

TJK said...

Process is the key word. I don't think you get to declare a total victory of the war . . . but you've won so many battles and will continue to win them all. I'm enjoying reading about them. It's helping me with my own battles.

I don't know if you've grown up . . . or you've just started to acknowledge the great person many of us have seen for years.

It's funny to see you confess your insecurities because I've always wanted your strength and confidence. I've always been jealous of your ability to walk into a room and "own it" ala the Cohn rehearsal and so many other countless situations.

I have a joke now when people at work say "awww" when I joke about my dating life, back hair or pot belly. I say "don't feel too bad folks, I've turned hating myself into a nice little career."

Mike Meyers is on "The View" this week. They prerecorded. TiVo it. He gets very deep. He talks a lot about "enlightening." To be enlightened you have to lighten your load. It's interesting to hear such deep stuff from a comic.

While I'm proud of your weight loss and it's important you take care of it. Remember your heavier years gave you gifts like your charm.

That charm with your newfound good looks . . . well I hope you put your new powers to use for good and not evil.

Don't hate who you were. I love that man for all of his weight imperfections. You were loveable then. You're just sexier and healthier now. Just keep growing by shrinking and then staying healthy.

And when you've finally achieved all of your goals and dreams . . . call me. I got a list of other things for you to work on too.

(Kidding. mostly.)

Love you and am proud of you.

Tom

PS. Ok that turned into a long ramble.

Benjamin said...

Love you know, loved you then, and if you can write all that you're probably closer to where you want to be than you think.