Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Stressful Times Call for Stressful Measures . . .

I vowed to always be honest on this blog and to share my journey as it is happening so - to that end - I'm going to be honest with you here now about the here and now.

I'm stressed. VERY, VERY stressed. I'm struggling with work (I know some co-workers read this blog so I'll leave it at that) and I'm just not having the time of my life on this particular Wednesday.

I know what I would have done, once upon a time, on days like today. It would involve at least three trips to the vending machines or snack shops of my office building, a few thousand calories preceeded by "How can I help you?" coming from a loudspeaker on the drive home and, upon arrival home, taking out my stressful day on the one person that has always loved, supported and tried to calm me.

Well . . . some bad news . . . there isn't a gosh darned thing in the kitchen here that I can eat (sugary, fatty, chocolaty goodness, you hold no power over me) and I have a five minute drive home with no one to "help" me along the way. That means just one very sad thing . . . my stress goes home with me.

Some WORSE news . . . the food that I leaned on never stopped the stress from making it all the way home in the past. It made it worse, frankly, as I loathed myself all the more for being so full of bad food and bad mood.

In the last year my FIRST focus (beyond myself) has been making and keeping Joy happy. I've tried to not be the "old me" and I've tried to be more openly appreciative for every thing Joy does for me and to be more honest and open and communicative when my stress does start to bubble up.

I've failed at that lately and I've not been the best husband and friend to Joy. I've worked until seven (and in a few cases eight) most nights the last few weeks and when I do get home I just want to watch bad television and go to sleep before getting up to do it all again the next morning. I don't want to talk about my day and my stress. More over, I don't protect that I want to talk about Joy's day or its stress.

Now I'm a changing man. I'm learning to "own" my stress and my anger from it and to compartmentalize the things I'm not crazy about from the things that I love but that's not always so easy and I'm still in the process of learning how to do this so it is not a perfect system. That just creates tension between us which furthers my stress and her stress. We don't fight, foresay, but we're not really talking or sharing or partnering either.

What is my point? I don't know . . . I guess that I need a good, swift kick in the pants to remind me of what is really important!?! That I need to learn faster and better how to compartmentalize? That is it just plain sad to care as much as I do that the Wichita Wingnuts logo lost an online contest? That I SHOULD figure out a way to go for a walk or a bike ride in between work and home so I can get a boost of energy and peace to share with my beautiful wife?!

I'm sure all of those things would help and they all make total sense to me but they aren't helping me as I sit here at my desk and just wonder why every day can't be as much of a wonderful gift as many of the days of the last year have been.

Regardless, I love you, Pop Tart and I HOPE tonight can be a nice evening at home for all three of us.

No comments: