Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Heatin' Up . . .
It is eighty degrees and very windy here today. That is right. Eighty degrees and not quite May yet (we have nearly ten hours of April left, thank you very much).
This time of year, every year, used to make me very, very, very nervous. Traditionally the first day of May was also the first day of the year that I was willing to start wearing short sleeved shirts to work. It was the first day of the year that I was open to the idea of linen pants. It was the first day of the year that flip flops and sandals seemed like a footwear priority.
May first also has the terrible distinction of being the unofficial first day of Fat Person's Inner Thigh Chafing Season. That's right. Largely an "underground" season known of, cared about and observed by only a few, effected individuals (like White After Labor Day Season, College Admissions Season and The NHL Hockey Season), FPITCS is a very, very real thing that plagues more Americans than HIV and Lyme disease combined (that statement is true, I looked up the obesity and disease statistics).
This May first is the first May first since I was a very, very young man that I am not stocking up on "supplies" to get me through FPITCS, also known as Swamp Crotch Season in "hipper" circles. I am not buying Vasoline for overnight moisturizing. I don't have lotion stashed in both cars, in my office, in each bathroom of the house and in my suitcases ready for last minute travel. I don't plan to stock up on baby powder. I am not even going to buy a single stick of Bodyglide this year either.
I am proud to say that I don't plan on "observing" or "participating in" or "suffering through" FPITCS this year. And, truth be told, I won't miss it one bit. I've got bigger holidays to endure this year anyway . . . ILTHPAMESICBBI (I Lost Two Hundred Pounds and My Excess Skin is Causing Belly Button Irritation) Season. I fear no jelly, sav or stick lubricant is going to help me through this ordeal. Perhaps the Excess Skin Ferries WILL!