Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April Fool's Day? . . .

As today is April Fool's Day (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOEY WEEKS!), I thought I would share an insecurity I have about a particular prank being pulled on me.

Don't think I'm crazy but I have this re-occuring insecurity that a HUGE joke/prank was pulled on me and that every one was in on the joke but me. What is that joke/prank, you ask? My SURGERY.

Yep, that's right. Once the initial pain of the surgery itself faded - I was all but sure that the whole thing was just a hoax. I had the surgery on Tuesday morning. I refused all pain-killers post surgery (a different story for a different time but assume it had more to do with me wanting to know EXACTLY what I went through to have this second chance at life than it did with any addiction or substance abuse issues in my past). I went home on Thursday. By Friday, I was pain free. Not even sore (except when I sat up, lied down or tried to roll over in bed (oh sweet agony). I remember thinking that that was wayyyy too simple an d wayyy to pain free.

I sipped my protein shakes and waited for Joy or my mother-in-law or heck, for AVA - to laugh and tell me the joke was on me.
I started feeling lighter before I ever left the hospital (yep, I was one of those lucky ones that did not GAIN weight in the hospital due to water retention, etc.). All in my head or was it just eating ice chips and sugar free jello for two days that had me feeling spry?
By the time I returned to the doctor's for my follow-up appointment, my clothes were loose. I sat in the lobby of the surgeon's office just watching the body language of all who made eye contact with me (or did NOT make eye contact with me (a-HA, I thought). Dr. Zucalla saw me. Techia saw me. I sat with Mary Lou. No one cracked. I had lost almost 30 pounds in three weeks. I was STILL all but sure that this was all just a joke. A hoax. A fraud.

"Sure, I lost that much weight - I haven't EATEN in almost a month," I thought. I returned to work and just kept waiting for the other shoe to fall. For someone to laugh and let me in on the joke. I lost almost 100 pounds in the first three months. Still - NOTHING from anyone.

This is one GREAT joke, I kept thinking. Ha on ME? Ha on YOU! I went back for my six month appointments - down 165. Still - nothing but stone faces and "congratulations" from the surgery staff and the medical professionals at the hospital.

I moved to Wichita. I got a new doctor. He saw me and checked my incisions. "You've lost 200 pounds?! That is WONDERFUL" he exclaimed. Did he know? Was he in on the joke?

Was this a vast medical conspiracy? Like the Kennedy assasination or the moon landing . . . was this something that EVERY ONE who needed to "know" was in on but the masses were clueless (DISCLAIMER - I don't believe there was a Kennedy conspiracy (LBJ knew about it but that doesn't make it a conspiracy) and I DO believe we've been to the moon. It's made of cheese.).

More over - how long will this joke go on? How much weight will I lose before SOME ONE tells me what happened? Will I hit goal? Will Joy start feeling guilty and crack under the pressure (If I buy her a new Coach bag, she'll feel OBLIGATED, right?!)? Will my friends Laura or Michele or Chris who are doctors call me one night, a little tipsy, and be like "Pst, buddy, eyegodatellusomefin."?

And, more over, when I am TOLD . . . when this sneaking feeling I have is confirmed . . . will I feel different? Will I immediately go back to eating the way I used to? Will I still lose weight? Will I still avoid sugar like it is the devil himself? Will I still feel good about all the weight that I have lost? Will I feel BETTER about it? Will I resent all those who knew for not telling me? Would I forgive them? Would I THANK them?!

For now, I still take this all one day at a time. I try to focus on the weight loss and the improved mental state and the new outlook I have on life.

Besides - today is April Fool's Day and if you really believe I have doubted the surgery was real for this long and this intensely (I did have a few moments of doubt in the early weeks - it WAS too good to be true) then you are a bit of a fool!
Happy April Fool's Day and thanks for the laughs!

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