Monday, February 18, 2008

Why Hello, 270s . . .

Two things happened this weekend that are relevant enough to share with the masses.

One - I weigh 278 pounds. Yeah - congrats to me. I'm at a weight that would shock and shame most Americans. But it shocks and THRILLS me. That number is 205 pounds less than I weighed on the morning of my surgery. I have 20 pounds to lose to hit my one year goal and 24 days to do it (cursed shortened month of February). I am NOT going to make my 225 pound goal. I am just not. No way I can lose a pound a day for the next few weeks. You know what - I'm fine with that. Maybe I lose 215 instead. That would still be one HELL of a year and one HELL of an accomplishment. I have, to date, lost an average of .6 pounds per day since my surgery. That is more than a half a pound a day. For almost an entire YEAR. That's a-okay-alright, right?! RIGHT! I'll keep you posted on the overall chase for 225 as appropriate.

Two - I had my monthly appointment with my personal trainer at the gym on Saturday morning. It was the last of my "initial" consultations and I am not totally sure if I will continue to see Matt in the future. Joy and I have talked about meeting with him about once a month or so to make sure we are doing the right stuff for our fitness goals, etc. but I don't really know if there would be a huge value in that for me or not. I am going to just keep doing what I'm doing until I get to my goal weight (and then to maintain my goal weight) anyway, frankly.

Meeting with Matt did, however, have a bit of a "chilling" effect for me. I will be completely honest with you here and say that, upon walking away from Matt, I had - for the first time since my surgery - the feeling that I was "done." That I had completed something or hit a goal or was finished with something or that there was nothing more to do. I don't really know what that "feeling" was tied to. Clearly I have more weight to lose. Clearly my heart and lungs are not as healthy as they could/would/should be. Clearly I have muscle to gain. Clearly I have excess skin to tighten and tone (or lose). Clealry I have more work to do on my mental "stength" and I have relationships to work on and strengthen and rebuild. So what the heck was I "done" with?

I hope and PRAY the only thing I felt done with were my sessions with Matt (I got a t-shirt and everything, yuns). I FEAR that it might be a larger relief that has started to slowly make its way in to my mind/psyche.

I am approaching my one-year anniversary since surgery. I am more than 70% of the way to my goal weight. I have been losing weight for 11 straight months. I feel a million times better than I did a year ago. These are ALL statements I've never been able to say before . . . in my entire life.

So does that mean that my internal "challenge" is fading? Is my desire lessening? Am I settling in to where I am?

I believe (hope/pray/beg) that the answer is NO. I think that I am just sort of settling in that this is my life now. My weight is in the 200s. Get me done 50 more pounds or so (into the lower 200s) and I will be comfortable knowing that I'll be where my weight will likely be for the rest of my life. Add that to the fact that my surgery is no longer the conversation starter that it used to be and the fact that my weight loss is no longer as obvious and fast as it once was (it is largely only noticed by Joy and I on a day-to-day basis) and the fact that some of my food cravings are starting to return (NOTE - I said my food CRAVINGS are returning not ME GIVING IN TO MY FOOD CRAVINGS are returning) and that my I will likely only lose a few more inches off my waist and maybe go down one more shirt size without more surgery AND you have me as the "current" me.

NO longer the old me. NO longer the new or improving me. Just plain me. I'll change again, of course, and this me will be the old me but - for today at least - I don't feel "new" or "different" for the first time in a while.

Maybe that is what I was feeling as I walked away from Matt on Saturday morning. I had finished a series of appointments with a personal trainer. The mere thought of being able to say that a year ago would have had me rolling on the floor laughing. I had lost more than 30 pounds under his "care." I could barely make that statement for a nutritionist's success with getting me to do something before my surgery. I have come to enjoy the gym. That's right. ENJOY the gym. Not "love" it. Not "obsess" over it. Not "prioritize" it. Just enjoy it. When I'm there.

These things are accomplishments. These things are check-marks on the ol' "to do" list. These things are final and complete and are things I can just let go of from here. I don't need to stay vigilant about the success I have had in these small areas of my life to stay motivated to reach success in other parts of my life.

I can let go of the things that are done and focus on the things that are still to come. Like managing food cravings. Like continuing to lose weight and stay motivated after the one-year mark (a lot of the reading I have done talks about just how hard it is after the first year) and getting to my goal weight and then - shifting gears - to maintenance. I NEVER thought I would see a day in my life where all I had to do was stay the weight I was. I was nine years old the first time doctor talked to me about losing weight. It has been all down hill since (smile)!

So, farewell previous challeges and hello new ones. And hello 270s. And hello my free t-shirt from the YMCA for finishing my trainer program. I earned you, you scratchy, white, size 2XL t-shirt that is guarateed to shrink the first time you even touch hot water or a dryer!

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