Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Redemption . . .

I've been fairly obsessed lately with the idea of redemption and restoration. Going back. Making good. Healing. Understanding. Accepting. Forgiving. Being forgiven. I don't know why. It could be my love of the show Lost. It could be that I am at a point in my life where I am introspective and at "peace" with stuff. It could just be that I am working on a personal project about my life and it has me looking a lot at "stuff."

I probably give off this energy that I have lived a terrible life full of pain and torment and bad decisions and abusive relationships and self-destruction. Nothing, frankly, could be farther from the truth.

My life has been full of great people and wonderful experiences and joy and laughter and accomplishment and the sort of hope that makes you feel "warm" at the end of the day. I have very few complaints about life or how I've lived it - but there are just those nagging things in the back of my head that could have been "better" - me, the situation, the result, etc.

In the last year I've made a concious effort to avoid conflict and to avoid fighting and to avoid destructive or negative behaviors at ever turn (I have not been 100% successful, I should acknowledge here) because I wanted to live at least one year of my life where I felt that everything was improving. I want it ALL. And I want it all to be PERFECT. I have gone through too much and changed too much and devoted to too much to not get it all right in the next 31 years of my life (and the 31 after that too).

My marriage. My fathering. My sonship. My brotherhood. My friendships. My profession. My weight. My health. My mini-golf skills. My self-image. My self-confidence. My SEAN.

It has been a great year and I've come to understand myself more than I have in my 31 years of life. I'm a better husband, father, son, brother, friend, professional and individual for it.

I laid in bed last night reading my latest issue of GQ and waiting for Joy to finish her homework so we could go to sleep and the TV was on VH1 (we love Flavor of Love - I won't lie) and this song came on and it is a beautiful song that left me with a chill in my spine and a tear on my cheek.

I think it sort of sums up what I've been doing as well as some of the work I still have to do on me and on my relationships and I think it sort of motivates me for the challenges ahead.

And I'm not ashamed cause my love ain't changed
I'm prepared to beg you back the whole way
Bring me your arms, I'll bring mine too
And we will heal, mend, me and you ...

Sing it, Mary J. Blige.

No comments: