Monday, February 11, 2008
Nice Chatting with You, Ryan . . .
I had a nice, long chat with my younger brother Ryan last night.
Ryan is four years younger than me. At times in our life we have been much "closer" than that and at times it has seemed like the gap HAD to be much, much larger.
Regardless of where things used to be, the last five or six years (as my weight got higher and higher and higher and my relationship with Joy deepened and his life changed in many ways too, etc.) have not been the best for our relationship as brothers or as friends.
It is not that we didn't always love each other, we did.
It is more that Ryan, even as my brother who's literally known me his entire life, is another one of those people that my mounting insecurities and my self-loathing got in the way of our relationship. I was no longer 0pen or honest with him and I didn't put the energy in to him that I should have and he sensed that and it strained our dynamic.
I was, as he explained last night (I am finally getting comfortable talking with my family about how much my weight has influenced our relationships), just not fun to be around and overly negative and nasty for a long while.
I think he actually said that I was an "as&h*le" but I will be more "eloquent" (or try to be) for the sake of those who don't enjoy the four-letter-words as much as the Amore boys do.
Anywho, we talked last night for about 90 minutes and he was very honest with me and I think he is sensing the changes in me lately and I think he approves. He talked about missing me and missing Joy and missing Ava and it made me realize that, with us being here in Kansas, we might never really have more than a few days at a time to ever share real time again. Granted - when we lived in Connecticut or even in Baltimore, we didn't always see Patrick or Ryan all that often or for that much time (the reasons we didn't were very, very different then than they are now though).
I wish I could have more time with my brothers now - with me at the mental and physical place that I'm at now and with clearer goals and clearer perspectives. I think the three of us would have a much better time than we've had in the last however many years and I think it would do my brothers as much good to see me where I am now as it would do me good to share time with them now.
In the meantime, I hope Ryan and I can talk again soon and have a longer chat about his feelings about me and my life and I can talk about my feelings for him and his life. It felt wonderful to start to really reconnect with him and I hope that I can do the same with my brother Patrick in the coming days, weeks and months as well.
I want to get things in order with my brothers and then start working my way down the list of friends that I've lost along the way.
I want my "people" back too!